Have you lost someone close to you? Still feel grief from loss? Or feel like you'll never "get over it"? I don't have a magic pill, nor do I think we completely get over the loss of someone we love. I have however, found ways to grieve using mindfulness practices I learned from Tara Brach, Ph.D., a psychologist and meditation teacher, and Jack Kornfield, a Buddhist mindfulness teacher. Knowing these four mindfulness tools transformed my connection to grief and loosened its grip over my mental and emotional states.
1. Presence First
Author James Joyce refers to one of his characters as living a short distance from his body. Can you relate to dwelling on past events and planning the future more than you live in the present moment? No matter how hard you try to be here, the constant flow of thoughts, emotions, and sensations leave you distracted and your internal homeostatic systems in overdrive as they try to stabilize you. After losing my Grandma in January 2021, I was challenged and consumed by grief, spontaneously crying and angry (more than I'd like to admit). I knew I needed time and space to process because pushing through it left me feeling alone and taking out my feelings on my partner (sorry Ben 😬).
Using mindfulness means paying attention to what is happening at this moment. Our body lives in the present. It can't dwell on the past or plan for the future; only the mind does. Therefore, if you want to be present, you need to connect with what is happening inside right now. What sensations (touch, sound, sight, smell, and taste) do you notice? What thoughts come up? What emotions are there? Can you feel accompanied sensations in your body?
This isn't easy at first, especially if you find yourself living more in your mind than in your body (hello Type A personalities 👋). You may find yourself thinking this practice is a waste of time because you have much to do. You may also find it hard to pay attention to, like sadness, anger, fear, and jealousy (to name a few). These are typical emotions we don’t want to acknowledge, let alone sit with for any amount of time. But here's something I can attest to, the more you practice, the easier and more efficient it becomes. You'll drop into your body faster and sit with the emotions, even difficult ones, until they fall away. You'll stop taking out your feelings on others since you'll have an outlet to let them move through you.
2. Compassion for Empathy
Finding compassion starts with cultivating it for yourself. If you're human, you have an inner critic. You know who I'm talking about; it's the one that says you're not good enough, beats you up for saying that dumb thing, and doesn't let you forget about that incident that happened in middle school. We all have it, and we all can learn from it.
The inner critic is a thought, and you can choose not to become it. The best way I transition my thoughts so not to become it is by imagining one of my nieces coming to me with that thought. This works best if it is a child you care for deeply, like your own child, a niece/nephew, a grandchild, or yourself as a child. Imagine this tiny human coming to you and sharing this information. Sometimes your heart will break knowing they think it. Sometimes you'll be reminded of how ridiculous it is. But every time, you'll realize it's only a thought. Every being has had it and will continue to have it. It's completely normal to have it, but can be harmful to believe it. We are all good-natured and well-intentioned at our core. Always remember that.
Sometimes having a keepsake from your loved one reminds you of the love and cherished memories you have with them. This is a piece of my Grandma’s Christmas Cactus I brought home to root. She’s had this plant for as long as I can remember so even though it’s a small piece of her, it a big piece of my heart.
3. Kindness Brings Connection
There's this story I heard from Tara Brach about a dog in the woods. We try to pet it (because…puppy!), but the dog lunges at us, baring its teeth and snarling. Our initial and natural reaction is fear: jumping away, perhaps responding in anger, or even disconnection as we book it the hell out of there. However, if we look closer, we may notice the dog's foot caught in a trap. Now, our fear softens and turns into kindness as we remove the trap and give this poor puppy the love and support it desperately needs.
I struggled with thoughts of unworthiness while processing memories of my grandma and me. As many families do, we had some disagreements which have stuck with me over the years and felt unresolved. What I see is that we both were stuck in our own stories of right and wrong. It just depended on whose perspective you heard the story from. This realization has blown my heart wide open and given insight into every fight I've had in my life; they all stem from only seeing myself as the victim (in the right) and the other person, the villain (in the wrong). Kindness, in this context, is realizing the other person may be fighting a battle and is also a victim and right from his or her perspective. Suppose you can step outside of victimhood and open your heart and mind to this fact. You then can learn how to become a better ally to your friends and family by listening to their side, removing your emotional connection to your story (yes, it’s super hard but not impossible), and understanding the underlying issues. From this space you can work through the problem, growing and learning together, which strengthens the connection you have with one another.
4. Gratitude, the Gentle Reminder
I loved my grandma dearly, and I miss her every single day. I find that grief can sometimes be overwhelming and make me lose sight of the good things I currently have. However, focusing on gratitude can be a natural remedy for this type of despair. In the mornings, wake up and think of at least one thing you're grateful for. Before falling asleep, think of three good things that happened that day. Doing this reminds you about the good parts of life (despite the grief you're feeling) and that both can live inside of you as life continues.
Grief isn't easy, it's dynamic and complex. We've all heard the phrase, "everyone grieves differently" (if you haven't, now you have). The methods I used were invaluable for me, and you may or may not find the same. Test things out and do what is right for you. If mindfulness sounds like something you need in your life and want to learn more, register for class today. You'll learn to incorporate these tools throughout the practice, so you'll have the opportunity to test them before using them off the mat.
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